Today is a celebration

October 10, 2011 would have twenty-four years this world was blessed with one the most beautiful people I have ever met. His name was Billy, about ten months ago we lost him to a brain aneurism. And just like that, I lost one of my closest friends I could have ever asked for. This young man taught and gave me so much, he was such a joy to be around, no matter what mood you were in you couldn't help but smile while you were around him. I can remember countless times RUNNING from him, because I knew he wasn't going to allow me to stay upset. He was one of few people in my life who always stayed positive, who always pushed me for more, he was one who always wanted more for me in every aspect in my life. He was a light no matter where he was, he was an attraction all by himself. October 9, 2010 changed my life, I lost someone so close that it hurts every time I smile thinking of the good times. I was so angry and so hurt, and I had no where to put it, I didn't know how to deal with it at all. He meant everything to me, there was so much that didn't get said, and I fear that he would never know exactly how I felt. He was just gone, and there was nothing I could do, it took months for me to realize exactly what he gave me, and how important it was to take and cherish this gift. Billy taught me that, you can shine so brightly with just one smile, stress is 100% unnecessary and hurtful not just to yourself but those around you, that you should aim for the moon so at least you if you would, you would land among stars. Billy was such an inspiration, he enjoyed life because he could, he took full advantage of his gifts and applied himself because he wanted more for himself. He loved others just as much if not more then he loved himself. He was always willing to take the shirt of his back for someone, and would do so with such a smile, you couldn't help wonder what got you so upset in the first place. I took me a while to realize all the amazing lessons he has given me, it took awhile because I was hurt, and I had to figure it out on my own. I never understood how he had so much faith in me, what did he see that I couldn't ? Love, if Billy was known for anything it was his love. Whether it be for food, sports, friends, family, Billy was known for his amazing gift of love. If there was anything I could do to help carry on his gift I needed to understand how important, strong and crazy love really is. I wanted the world to know, I wanted Billy to know that I understand Love. It starts with yourself, and others feel the connection, and shift! Those who call this weird, only means that it scares them, because who are we to judge what is normal from bizarre? I mean what makes someone weird? Is it the lack of understand why they do what they do? So because you don't understand it makes that person weird? Doesn't it make you weird for judging someone you don't even know. We are scared of what we don't know so instead of exploring that feeling we put a label on it to justify our feeling. Billy loved who he was, and owned it every single day, he wouldn't allow anyone to break him down, because of their own insecurities. I miss him very much, and will continue to for the rest of my life. I will also learned to live with Billy, just because we loose someone doesn't mean their gone, it took me a while to understand that. But instead of looking at the bad, I get to celebrate this beautiful part of my life when I was blessed to have been a part of his life. No matter what the situation you can always choose how you're going to look at it, to make it positive or not. Everything holds meaning, and everything happens for a reason, it just might take you longer to figure it out, in that case don't get frustrated just take your time. You can always reach out whenever you need, and I am always here.
"every moment you are happy if a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer
R.I.P
Billy Hasan
I love you today as I have from the start, and I'll love you forever with all of my heart!! Taking you with me everywhere I go

Regression does not mean failure, just a check point

Normally I only write one blog a day, but today has been a roller coaster. I have come a very, very long way from where I was. When I look in the mirror I see a completely different person, I feel like a completely different person, and I have actually started to love what I see. Today changed a little bit of that for me, and has stung a little bit. I got slapped with a reality that I wasn't really expecting. Regression, and at first I was so angry, and hurt because I know the leaps and bounds I have over come and conquered. So what was it that shoved me so far backwards, it felt like it all happened in a blink of an eye. Except when I took a deeper look into the situation I had come to the realization that it was a serious of events, that I pushed aside and hadn't dealt with. Despite my better judgement and everything I had learned, there has been a whole trunk full of pain and anger that I hadn't dealt with. Again, not dealing with feelings only creates them to grow stronger, it may seem like a quick fix, but it can get complicated this way. My biggest obstacle has been the relationship with my father, it has been a ten year battle, one I seem to keep loosing. My father and I growing up were close, and it wasn't until the divorce that took our relationship for a really dangerous ride. I moved out when I was 16, and moved to NJ when I was 17 fresh out of high school. At the time, I was telling people I just wanted to do the college thing, but all I really wanted to do was start a new family and create my own home. I was young, and broken and would do anything to go away and stay away. I got engaged to someone after six months, and I changed everything I was to become someone else's idea of perfect. I made a serious of bad decisions, and because I refused to learn the lesson I made the same one a few times. I am 23 years old, and moved back in with my father, and even though I am in a whole new place in my life, there are still a lot of mixed emotions I have yet to deal with. I went through this amazing program that helped me see all the pain I was causing by holding on to my feelings and not feeling and dealing with them. I was stuck in my own feelings, in my own hateful creation. Even though I am a completely different person, it is the really really really deep pain that doesn't seem to be touched on. It wasn't until today that I even really paid attention to it. But this is the only topic that can shut on and off my feelings, I go from miss sunshine to the incredible hulk. I realized that I am still holding back so much, because if I could pack up and leave I would, but there had to be a reason why I can't. Why is that I have no where to go? Why is it that I allow myself to loose all self alignment whenever this gets mentioned? The universe is keeping me here until I am able to work through it. Until I decide to change it, and to make the first move, nothing will ever change. I took a long hard look at the past few years and wanted to know why I had tried so many different angles and nothing has ever worked, why was it that as hard as I tried I always ended up back in this house? Because a few years back I asked the universe to help me, I wanted to move past my past with my dad and want to move forward. I refused to see the bigger picture, I refused all the lessons and tools I had learned that has prepared me for this. When you think you can't handle it, it's only because deep down you really don't want to. There is still a big piece of me that wishes I could go back in a time machine and do things differently, I still have yet to take personal responsibility for decisions I made even at an adolescent age. And because I want to travel back in time, I bring myself back to an age where I shouldn't be accountable for my actions, I'm waiting for a safety net to appear and white light to outline my future. I know that the only person I am truly hurting is myself, I have so much Love, Peace and Compassion to share with the world, but I need to put it into action. I need to stop holding onto the past, what's done is done. Instead of trying to re-live the past and change the future, I can forgive and learn from my past and create my future. I am the only one putting limitations on my life, even when I listen to others try and justify what is right and wrong I find myself judging myself, and putting more limitations on my life.I have been through more at my age then most people double my age, and instead of sitting here saying "poor me", I could use it as an advantage! If I want things to change, I must first change myself. I need to realize that if this is the biggest obstacle then I need to redirect my energy into working through it, because nothing will be able to all fit into place if there is still an elephant taking up most the space in the room. Regression is NOT failure, it is just a check point, and instead of getting caught up in a web of emotions, I need to take a step back and appreciate everything I have been able to let go of, everything I have been able to change, and everything I have been able to create because I wanted to. I realized I need to do more work on me, more work loving me, before I can really spread this amazing gift. How is it that I can talk and help heal friends, and even random strangers, but I can't heal within my own family? Because I am choosing to resist my own feelings, because in one way or another I justify helping someone else rather then helping myself. How can I ask anyone to travel back down the past, and yet I keep avoiding my own. I am my own Master, I am my own creator, so I just need to take a deep breath and realize that if anyone is capable of doing this I AM! If this is my test, bring it on! This is the big stuff, this is everything I have tried for a decade to ward off, and all it does is cause more pain, I have tried running I have tried hiding and clearly what's meant to be will be. So instead of fighting against myself, I am going to start fighting for myself. Because in life you don't get what you want, you get what you fight for. I need to stop making excuses and start making moves, because I deserve to be and live happily. I am young, and I am very powerful, and even though I have not done what society likes to call "the normal young adult life", I don't need to. Everything that I have been through has lead me to the road I am on, and I get to choose where I go. Enough is enough, I'm tired of letting obstacles big or small weigh out what I want, neither do you. I am living proof that self love will turn your life around in a way that seems unimaginable. So think of something so outrageous that is seems to be impossible, now keep in mind nothing is impossible if you can imagine it. Choose. Decide. Create.
Anyone seeking help, who needs help, who wants help I am always available, and as you can see these tools work. You don't have to live in pain and anger and why would you want to when happiness is an option? Does happiness seem impossible, now you know you can imagine it, now you know it exist.

"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world." Harry Palmer

You don't get what you want you get what you fight for.

A wise man once said, " You don't get what you want you get what you fight for!". Once you find that one thing that you can't live without, you'll fight until your last breath. You will give all of yourself and dedicate your energy into this one being. I use to think there was nothing worth fighting for, because most of everything either left or got taken from me, that was just set up in my head. And because I had that belief thats exactly what happened, time and time again. I wanted a purpose and I wanted to matter, I tried just about everything, I gave just about all of me. When I had my last breath, I finally started to realize what I was fighting for, and gave everything I had. It's never easy but its always worth the fight, you are always worth the fight, and when you think you aren't you won't be. I tried for years to find something I was awesome at, I tried to find someone that I was awesome with, its only when I found myself, I found those two things. I finally know how I want to spend the rest of my life, and I finally met someone I could do that with. I was so scared of someone or something taking my happiness away that I gave it away. It's not what you do it's how you do it that matters.  Today I fought for something I wanted, I took personal responsibility, I acknowledged and appreciated someone else for my discouragements, I let my limitations outline my realizations and trusted myself. My feelings are my responsibility no matter what causes them or where they come from, I control how I feel, not my mind. No matter what I do, I choose to work as much as I can to create everything I want. I choose not to let my limitations control my feelings or outline my goals. I am going to continue to fight for everything I want, and everything I deserve, and I'm choosing not to let anyone take away my happiness not even myself. Find what your passion is, fight for it, live for it! Don't ever give up on it, but most importantly don't ever give up on yourself. If you start to feel down at any time, give me a call, email me, help is always willing and offered to those who want it.
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world." Harry Palmer

Your voice is the only one you need to pay attention too!

Believing in yourself, sometimes feels like its easier said then done. When you get to a point that it becomes easier said then done, pick up the phone and call someone who inspires you, or email me. Or you can check out any of the websites, I've posted to the right. Most adults believe that's seeing is believing, and most children believe that believing is seeing, out of those two categories which people do you think are happier? CHILDREN .. right? Children don't let anything kill their beliefs, they let the imaginations run wild, one day they want to be a firefighter, the next day its an astronaut. The best part are limitations never come into the imagination, as we grow up other adults indoctrinate us with limitations and call them reality. What adults tend to forget is reality is what you want it to be. The meaning of reality is something that is real; fact. When it comes to your life, you are the creator you are in control, you create your own reality! Do you get it? Don't let anyone tell you what your reality should or shouldn't be? Did anyone tell Bill Gates or Donald Trump that it was impossible for them to become multi-billionaires? Maybe, and did anyone tell Michael Phelps that it was impossible for him to win not just one but eight gold medals in the olympics? Possibly, but did any of them let that change their belief of what they wanted and who they wanted to be? NO!!! So why should you? People can tell you, you can't all the time.. But it shouldn't matter what anyone else says, thinks, or believes. Remember it's what you want, its what you think, it's what you believe, and what you know that you are way more then capable of creating.

Motivated Frog
There once were two frogs, hopping down the riverside, without noticing they hopped right into a hole. Then came along three more frogs who noticed the two yelling for help. The two frogs started jump, and leaping trying so hard to get out. The frogs up above started yelling, "Give up!", "Your never going to make it out!". The two frogs kept jumping and jumping, they getting very tired, but they kept jumping. The frogs from above continued to shout, "Just roll over and croak!!", " Your never going to make it out!", "Just give up!!". So when of the frogs took in a deep breath rolled over and croaked, while the other frog just kept jumping and jumping  and after a few hours, he finally makes it out of the hole. As soon as he reaches the surface he collapse and try to catch his breath. The other frogs in astonishment ask, "Why did you keep jumping when we told you to give up?", the frog replies, "I'm sorry, I'm deaf!, I'm not sure what you are saying but I saw you try and yell great words of motivation and I didn't want to let you down! So thank you for being there!!".

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt.

Ask yourself:
How bad do I want it?
Why am I settling for anything short of Extraordinary?
Why am I putting limitations on my life?
What are my limitations?
Why do I believe more in my limitations then I do in my own self?
Why am I not living deliberately?
What makes me HAPPY?

These are just some of the basic questions that you must ask yourself, really make yourself think. You will be more surprised as to what you will find. I advised a friend of mine to write these down on paper and answer them, being able to physically see what's going on in your head will shift something all in itself.
I am always here to listen, talk, and help in anyway I can. Reaching out is the first step, it also might seem like the hardest but I like to compare it to an awesome work out plan. The first ten minutes always suck, but the harder you push yourself the more you sweat, the results are more then worth the pain, and you feel a billion times better then you did in those first ten minutes.

" Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

Where is your faith?

Everyone has a different definition of the word Faith, so I took the liberty and looked the word up and found 4 great simple meanings for this heavy word.

The 4 meanings of Faith:

1. confidence or trust in a person or thing
2. belief that is not based on proof
3. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit,etc.
4. a system of religious belief

Can any of you find the common word in 3 out of these 4 meanings? BELIEF

SO my next question.. do you set up a belief because of something you have experienced? OR do you experience something because you already have a belief about it? Some of you are staring around the room saying "hmm, thats very interesting.. " and it's really making you think how you start to experience certain situations and how you set up your beliefs. Others are going the second one, no the first one, okay maybe a little bit of both.. I DON'T KNOW!! That's 100% okay because thinking is good for your soul, when you start to become aware of what your beliefs are based on you start to realize where you keep your faith. But here's the realization your looking for, can you say your faith is solely in you? Do you 100% know that you are capable of anything and everything you want, you decisions, your beliefs?? If you said yes to all of this, that awesome!! I really admire all that you are, however if you didn't I would like to acknowledge and appreciate you for being self aware. Now your next question, would you like to do something about it? GREEEEEEAAAAAAT :) and guess what you came to the right place!! You are now indulged with someone who has been down down down in her own dark hole, and have visited others, and is now committed to helping others out.  Today I'm in the mood to relate it to a short story, so sit back, relax, and I hope you enjoy!

1.) The Helpful Experienced Stranger

There once was a girl who walking down a road, she was feeling so down and fed up with everything in her life that the universe provided her with a deep, dark, black, hole. When the girl came across the dark hole. She felt comforted because no one would be able to bother her, it was so deep and dark she wouldn't be able to see the things that make her unhappy or hear her own negative thoughts or those around her. So she hopped in, and at first it peaceful, and so much better then everything else, but it soon got very dark and cold, and lonely. A priest was walking by and shined a light down, and she yelled "please help me!" and he replied, "I will pray for you!" and started to walk away. Then a doctor was walking by, and shined a light down, and she yelled "Please help me, I'm stuck and I'm hurt" the doctor asked her a few questions and replied " I will write you a prescription and toss it down, take it twice a day and I will check back with you  in 6 months for a refill!". Then a stranger came across the hole, looked down and yelled " is anyone down there?" The Girl yelled back "Yes! Me!! I'm stuck down here!! Please help me out!!!". So the stranger jumped in the hole, and the girl looked at the stranger and said "Why did you jump down? Now we're both stuck". The stranger turned to the young girl and said, " I was stuck down here just last week, let me show you how I got out". 

Lesson: No one can help you unless you want help. But there's always someone who has been there, and there is always someone who is wanting and willing to help.

Personally I became really comfortable in my hole, for years, actually is more like a decade to be correct. I decorated it, and made it really suitable. It took me awhile to realize that it was a hole, no matter what way I decorated it, or changed anything around .. it was still a hole. I decided one day that I didn't want to be in the hole anymore, that I wanted out and I was willing to do anything and everything to get out! I put my decorations down, and told my pride to back off! That was the same day I asked for help. What I didn't realize is that I had faith in myself all along, I just misplaced it. So you see, there is always someone wanting and more then willing to help, you just need to want it yourself; to have faith in yourself, love yourself. And, I'm not talking about an easy way out, because you can't just get over it, you can't go around it, you can't skip in between the only way, is through it. But you don't ever have to do it alone! You Choose, You Decide, and even more beautifully, You Create! Have faith in yourself, you are way more powerful then you give yourself credit for. Other may loose faith in you, but why is that more important then the faith you have in yourself. Others will come and go, some will leave footprints, some will leave pretty tattoos and be with you forever, but you... you will always be with you so have faith in you. Back you up, Love you, and reach out! You'd be surprised how many hands get offered back, you already have one with me :) Today's lesson is Faith! Have faith in you, and allow yourself to be great!

"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

Personal Responsibility

Personal responsibility has never been my strongest asset, yet I am creating it to be. What does taking personal responsibility mean? I don't mean taking the blame for who spilt the milk, or who broke the TV. I mean your personal feelings, I mean your actions, your words, everything that you decide to do, you should be doing for you and no one else. If you have this desire to spoil someone, it is not okay to rub it in their face or hold it against them, you chose to do it for them, and should do it because you want to, not to get something out of it in return whether it be a reaction or a return feeling. Ever since I can remember, through every relationship, I have always felt that I needed to give all of me all the time. I needed to do whatever I could to help, to give what I don't have, and to put everyone else first. For those of you who do the same, yet haven't seen the pattern yet, let my point it out. I use to think that I was just living the "treat others how you would like to be treated" way, but that wasn't true either, because when I found someone who did, it made me feel bad. So, what do I do? Where do I go from here? AAhh hhAAA!! I have the answer, you can go wherever YOU want to go. When we take personal responsibility for all our feelings, actions, and words, we start to realize that everything we put out we receive. So anytime we go in thinking we aren't going to get what we want, or its going to be negative anyway.. IT WILL BE. The world is a reflection of me, when I take responsibility for not pushing myself to my full potential, I realize that I am the only holding myself back. When I take responsibility for how I feel, and no matter what my boyfriend says or does, I am still in control of my feelings. One of the most important, when I take personal responsibility for my personal happiness, no one can ever take that away from me no matter what. When you give up your power, when you look for others to make you happy, or show you love, when you depend on other for your feelings it never exceeds your expectations. NEVER you will NEVER be as HAPPY or in LOVE because you aren't happy or in love with yourself!!! Men and women who cheat, or play games with others or with their work or just in life in general, are fighting their own insecurities, and it's never who they really are and most the time it's not even who they really want to be. But the key for people like myself, is to know and understand it's not my job to fix them, we can only help them if they want help. And even still we need to keep in mind that what is going on in someone else's life is not to be taken personal. If and when we do create a feeling based on taken something personal, we need to be able to notice it, realize this is not I this is my creation. Once you realize this is not what really is, this is just a feeling based on a creation because you took something personal that has nothing to do with you, thats personal responsibility.
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

Speaking from the heart!

Have you ever noticed, when you try and set up all the right things to say it all comes out wrong, or discombobulated? But when you speak from your heart, whether your really sure about it or not it always comes out right? Granted sometimes speaking from the heart makes us nervous or scared, which takes us back to learning to love ourself and owning who we are. It took me a long time to learn how to be vulnerable, I'm still learning thats its okay. But thats the truth, its okay to be vulnerable, we live in a society that tells us "You have to be strong!" or " Only the strong survive!" but the message isn't so clear for all. Yes! When your strong you can survive, but what does strong really mean? If you look up the word Strong, there are 21 definitions for it. All having the general meaning of being able to up hold a powerful measurement. But whose to say your strong doesn't involve anyone else? My strong involves my family, my friends, my boyfriend, and of course myself. I know that I am a strong individual mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically. However, we tend to forget that if it wasn't for our weakest moments we wouldn't be as strong as we are! I allow myself to be strong individually and because I can trust, love, and be vulnerable with my family, friends, and boyfriend we can be twice the strength when together. Before I created my inner strength, I always thought I had to be strong, "tough guy strong", but I could never speak from my heart, or become vulnerable. In the few times I had attempted to, I felt rejected and stupid. But I set up that belief, I assumed way before hand that it wasn't going to go over well, and it pretty much never did. Until I shifted myself, a good friend told me "it's okay to be vulnerable, let it out, this is a non judgment room!". And to my surprise I started to cry, but  for the first time in my life I became vulnerable and spoke from the heart, I allowed my insecurities to drop dead, and it was the best feeling in the world. Ever since then, I learned that the best way to speak to someone if from the heart, I use to speak at people, now I speak to people, a concept I once thought was crazy! But I am quickly learning that the only craziness is how long it took me to figure all this out. Some of you keep in mind that when I say, " Speak from the heart" I am meaning to speak from your heart, not your webs of chaos going on in your head. Trust me I thought that's when I thought I was speaking from the heart, but thats when I was speaking at people. When you speak with your head full of crap, YOU ARE IN YOUR HEAD, and not in your heart. When your trying to justify what is coming out of your mouth, YOU ARE IN YOUR HEAD, and not in your heart. When your not sure if what your saying is going to get the reaction you want, YOU ARE IN YOUR HEAD, and not in your heart. When you speak from your heart, your not looking for a reaction and whatever reaction you do get, won't effect you negatively. It's almost like you said your peace, your saying it because you want someone else to know how you feel, instead of trying to defend how you feel. Be honest with yourself, it is not easy to do, I still find myself going no its okay, when I know I am in my head because there is no way that its okay. At that time, when you feel a head heart battle going on, step aside and just breathe, exaggerate all your thoughts you'll be surprised at what you come in contact with. Once you have a clear mind set, what you feel with just flow out your mouth. It's really quite awesome, and people respect and appreciate the vulnerable, the naked truth. You feel fresh, and the best part is you don't feel as though you have to put a guard up between everything you say. You feel strong, because its you, and because you are loving and owning you. If any of you have any questions, comments or concerns, please leave them, add them, or email me with them, I am always here to help.
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

Todays a Love Lesson.

These past few days, I've been learning the full meaning of self love. So today instead of blogging about it and reading about it, I just want you to do it. Go out and do something for you today, and I'm not talking about having a brownie or doing nothing. I want you to do something healthy for you! Go out and celebrate being you, look in the mirror and point out things you love, and exaggerate them! See I was having trouble with my self love, I was having trouble with doubt, and not really being able to allow myself to shine through. But I figured it out, and this is why I love blogging because it allows me to share it with all of you. Are you ready? Top Secret info!!! I was holding myself back, I was holding myself in the past, and wasn't loving me. I have put aside my insecurities and I'm now putting on my bathing suit and plan to spend the day at the beach with some good healthy food, but even better and inspirational friends. See the key is to surround yourself with people who love you, who care about you, but most important who inspire you to be the best you can possibly be. I am taking full responsibility for being my own bully, but now its time for me to do something about it! I love me, and for the little things I don't like, its all a decision to change what I want, that simple. I have nothing to fear if I have self love, I don't need to look back because I know it's just going to hold me back. This is all about creating who you want to be, think about it, say it out loud, now go make it happen!!!! Love yourself today, and now everyday after because you can, and because you will be amazed to see and feel everything and everyone shift once you do. If this doesn't work for you, loving yourself and appreciating yourself, please email me, facebook me, comment. I will sit down and work out a love work out plan with you!
"Every moment you are happy is gift to the rest of the world." Harry Palmer

Be the change you wish to see in the world

Have you ever noticed that doing the same old thing, you get the same old results? Do you want or need something to change and your just not sure how to make it happen? Plan to do something completely different and see how it pans out. It's easy for us to get comfortable in the same old routine, but it's also easy to be comfortable in being a victim. But if you want things to change then you need to stop swimming in your own self pity and do something about it. If you want a change you can't just decide to change, and wait for it to happen you need to decide and then create. Everything happens because we allow it to happen, if we just sit back and wait for it to happen then nothing will happen. Its all about being primary in what you want and doing what you have to do to make it happen. Its about putting one step in front of the other and keep it moving, don't let anything derail you from what you want, not even yourself. Its all about being source 100% of the time. Secondaries are fine they exist, but you don't have to let them change or discourage what you really want. I have been standing in my own way for awhile now, and wasn't sure what the problem was, because its hard to see the bigger picture when your wearing blinders. If want a change, take off the blinders, wash your face, and get a new start. Clear your mind, set a plan, and create whatever you want. So go for it! Shoot for the moon because even if you miss you land among stars. Don't let anything or anyone hold you back from doing anything and everything you want especially yourself. If you've read all this and feel motivated but aren't sure what to do next send me a message or leave a comment. I am always willing to reach out.

"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

Here's to another 50!

My Father turned 50 today! 50!!!!!! I've only been around for the second half of his life, and it hasn't always been smooth sailing. We have been through so much that I'm not really sure where to begin or if I even should. So I'm not going to ;) We have shared some of the worst of times and the some of the best of times, but no matter how bad it has gotten and how long we have been apart I love my Dad very much. Through the years we have grown apart, and with the helpful tools of Avatar we have started to re-create that awesome relationship we once had. But this morning I ran into a bit of a predicament.  Trying to find the perfect birthday card, has never been easy, and how do you find a card that says, " I'm sry for the past 23 years, thank you for all the good and bad times, I love you and hope you have a fantastic year!" I spent three days looking, there is no such card, I didn't know what to get, I didn't know how to express what I really felt without it seeming unappreciative. The more and more I thought about my childhood, my teen years, and my early twenties, all the hard times all the years missed, I started to get really upset and felt a number of different of emotions. I had to step back and realize that no matter what, even my father is a reflection of me, our relationship is a reflection of me. And realized I had lost my initial primary feeling, I let my mind take over and run wild..... not okay. I took away the fact that this was his day, and that we have put so much behind us and over come so much. I was taking away, and taking jumps backwards, missing the most awesome part of this great day! My dad is 50! 50 years old, thats a lot of mistakes, and accomplishments, a lot of laughs and tears. I need to appreciate my father and all the years he has, all his great and hard work he has been through. I know that there are a lot of times, days, years and memories that I missed, some that make him feel another way and I need to realize I can only take responsibility for my feelings and my perspective on our relationship. All I can do is make a commitment to make new memories, and take advantage of the time I do have with him, how much we have been through, how much we have over come. And once I let all the crap suffocate, I came to realize how much more I love my father, and how truly grateful I am to have him apart of my life. I know our relationship isn't the best right now, but it can be, and it will be. In order to look ahead into my future I needed to let my past go. My father has survived 50 years on this earth, and that in itself is something to celebrate.So what I learned this morning,  Don't let your past experiences ruin your future memories! It hit me like a ton of bricks and once I realized how silly I was being, and this creation that I myself created for no reason, I laughed to myself shook my head and labeled as it is. Then the heavens opened up and the most perfect card was sitting in the wrong place, just in clear plain sight as if the perfect card elves have placed it there for me. It's amazing what kind of doors will open up once we close all the doors with overwhelming, distracting noise. So today I am proud to celebrate a man, who has been spent 50 years, growing and learning, loving and living, my dad. I love you dad and I hope this is your best year yet!
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

Self Acceptance is Key

What is self acceptance? What does that really mean? To accept one as ones self? It took me awhile to understand just exactly what this meant and how much I had come to not really like the person I was. When someone told me to accept myself just as I am, I told them to get lost. I had become this person that I despised, how could I ever accept myself? I wanted so badly for things to be different, for me to be different why would I ever accept myself just as I am? This baffled me for a few days, and the longer and longer I sat there I became more disgusted with myself. I started to realize just how much I had come to dislike myself. And started to get angry, "I was fine before they asked me to accept myself!". Truth is I knew all along that I was growing into someone I didn't like, but I justified it by telling myself that I had to be this way, that because I was getting hurt I needed to put up walls and I needed to be defensive. I was wrong again, first I needed to realize that people hurt me because I allowed them to, keep in mind people only do what you allow them to do. This was another one that took me awhile to wrap my head around because I don't control what others do or say, but if I'm not getting treated right then I don't need to surround myself by that person, and a lot of times I was afraid to be alone, and I was use to getting hurt. See the sick cycle? After, I realized that I was drowning in my own sorrows, and only I could be the one to pull myself out, I had to make a decision. I decided to fight for what I loved deep down inside.. myself. I knew that I was worth more then all the "poor me's" and the "what did I do wrong?" Self acceptance, meaning I had to accept the person I had become, and choose to do something about it. I never wanted to accept the person in the mirror, I knew that it wasn't really mean it was just a bad distorted image of my former self. Distorted image or not, I looked myself in the mirror and said "Mellissa I accept you for you, I accept that you are hurt, but don't need to be anymore, I accept that you aren't happy, but can be, and I accept that you did all this to hide yourself, but now know you don't need to I accept you for all your flaws, and now that I know what they are lets do something about it!" I started by doing something I had never ever done before, LIFE STYLE CHANGE! Some people would call it a diet, but for me it  became so much more, I needed to become more aware of what I was doing to my body, how I treat it -- prime example of how I treat myself. So if I wanted to be healthy and happy I had to eat healthy and happy. When people started to notice my hard work (HARD) bits and pieces of my hard exterior started to break off on its own. It then become easier and easier, and fun at times, because I was looking at it as a positive. I wasn't starving myself, I was giving my body all the right amount of all the right foods it NEEDED not wanted. My personality started to break other walls down, no need to be so hostile and defensive all the time. The day I accepted myself, was the day I decided to love myself. And put one foot in front of the other and do something about it. It all starts with Self Acceptance. Everything after that is your choice, whether or not you want to make any changes is up to you. But take a good look in the mirror and see if your ready to accept yourself just as you are. I still point out things I need to change, but I know I am the only one that can do something about it. It is not easy, but then again who said it was? Just keep in mind "The world is a reflection of me" when you look in the mirror and see how that makes you feel. You get what you put out, without any effort thats how the universe works. If anyone has any questions or comments please always feel free to leave them here or you can find me on facebook, just know you never have to do this alone.

"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

I am the only person holding me back

Everyday I get up and say "Okay! I need to get this, this and that done, okay so I'll do this then that and then this..Perfect!" however nothing gets done. Has this ever happened to anyone else? You know you need to get stuff done, and don't do anything to change the issue? Whether its laziness, procrastination, or just not enough self ambition ... its crap. I know that I want more but I don't want to work for it, well who really does? We don't live in the best economy as is, but if you really want more you have to work for it. You just need to make a list of everything you want and turn it into a check list. If you want something bad enough and you work hard enough nothing will stand in your way. Set primaries, put it out into the universe what you want, where you want and how you want it. Your bed, couch, or "lounge" will always be there, its not going anywhere, and neither will you if you don't get off it! I can say this because I'm putting my words into action. I planned to move forward instead of stay in neutral. It;s scary, only if you make it scary! I needed to get through some personal struggles just like everyone has, but I decided to ask for help, and I got it :) It's not how many times you fall it's how many times you stand back up! "Be the change you wish to see in the world" -- Ghandi. Do whatever you need to do stop making excuses because you and I both know thats exactly what it is.. EXCUSES! You can do anything and everything you want you just need to apply yourself in what you want, put the blood sweat and tears into it, at the end of the day all you have to rely on is yourself. And your bed will always be there to crawl back into. But you owe it to yourself to make something of yourself and do something amazing with your life, simply because you can. You are the only person, and obstacle in your way everything else you can create!
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

Life happens when you least expect it to.

Today a woke up and life started pouring. Have you ever heard the saying "when it rains it pours!" Today it has been a tropical storm! Everything seems to happen all at once, its called life. Its not what happens in life it how we handle the situation. I decided that no matter how hard it pours, and long it lasts I will be just fine. I will do everything and anything I can to make it through this stormy weather because thats all it is.. stormy weather. When I least expected it, a certain someone parted the clouds and changed everything. It didn't change what had happened, it didn't fix any of the craziness, but it made me appreciate the good in my life rather then all the negative crap. A wise man once told me " you only have a bad day if you choose to have a bad day, and why would anyone choose to have a bad day?" Sometimes we get wrapped up in all the chaos when all it really takes is just one strong smile to say " Naaaa nothings that big of deal to ruin my day!" In times like these (bad mornings, rough or tough days) take time to look at the things you do have in your life, and appreciate them! Being appreciative towards the people, place, and things you have in your life is not always easy when your mind is else where, but I promise you when you take the time out to appreciate those around you it will shift your perspective. Most the time we allow our mind to control our feelings, when we're angry it happens without us knowing. When you go into "Analyze Mode" and you tend to OVER analyze everything. The world is a reflection of me. What we put out into the world is exactly what we get back. When we set up expectations of others our mind is already made up so regardless good or bad we allow it to happen because we already expect it. So if the world is a reflection of you, what does that say about you? if you know what you want don't settle for anything less. Appreciation will go a really long way and it will open your eyes on whole new level. You don't have to mope around, you don't have to have a bad day if you don't want to. Now some of you are saying why would anyone WANT to have a bad day, well because some people are more comfortable in pain, I use to be one of those people. I felt I lost my happy, I thought I needed someone else to find it for me, I wasn't happy with myself at all, so I would keep myself in pain because I knew how to handle it better. But let me tell you from experience you don't have to be like that at all .. EVER! Life is going to happen whether it rains or pours, or just has a quick sun shower your day/life is what you choose to be. And if your tired of living in the glum perspective reach out, and know I am always available. Happiness does not have to be a choice
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

Today I was Inspired

Once I had a heart of stone
For it had surley lost its home
It could not love or wanted too
But in my life, then came you. 

The stones began to fall away
As happiness began to fill my day
A feeling so sweet and special too
Could this be love, I pray is true.

My heart now sings a song of love
For I know that it was sent from above
My heart is warm, there is no cold
Hard no more, but with wings of gold.

It soars above the sky so high
Sometimes I think of why and cry
My heart now sings a loving song
For the part of me I thought was gone.

The gift that you have given me
Is so important, can't you see
No more sadness or being alone
For now my heart returns to home


Today I was inspired by a very talented extraordinary young man, who also is very near and dear to my heart.Yet is living proof  as well that you don't have to live with a heart of stone. He has taught me so much about being warm hearted and allowing yourself to feel what's really there. Is it cold as stone? or is it full of love? I use to think that I was unlovable and I lost my heart to another  home. But I learned nothing is ever really lost! Sometimes when we think we "loose" people or things but it's all apart of a bigger picture an important lesson. We forget that we own our feelings, and they are our responsibility, we tend to give that responsibility to others hoping that they will guard it with their life, but when they don't we point the finger at them. When it was our decision to give them the responsibility of our feelings away in the first place. Own how you feel whether its good or bad, strong or weak, your feelings are yours and yours alone.No one can care for you the way you can, no one can make you happy if you don't know how to make yourself happy, and no one will be able to love you if you don't love you. Like I said, own how you feel because there is never a right or wrong! If your always going to think that someone is going to hurt you, or it simply just won't work.. it never will. Let your labels go and focus on how you feel, and be just that especially when it makes you happy :)
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

The World is a Reflection of Me

The world is a Reflection of me, that a really bold statement. The first time I read it, I didn't understand it or chose not to, but when I started to break it down it started to make more sense. I started to think, "I'm not a mean person, I don't treat people badly, but I constantly get let down by those around me?" Then I started to realize all those people that did hurt, I on more then one occasion expected them too. I saw red flags and kept moving forward, I went against my better judgment and thought I could help. But then when things went exactly the way I thought they would, (not in the good way) I blamed myself. I put out that they were going to hurt me, I put out there that they didn't want the same thing, I put out there that I was good enough, I settled because I told myself if I only got this then I'd be happy when I knew better. I put out into the universe that I was fine with settling and not being the best or giving it my all, so why would I ever think that I would get the best result ?? When we put all our energy into not being something, we've quickly became it. I was able to really dig deep into certain walls that I didn't even know existed. I can't tell you how amazing it feels to shine rather then stand in my own shadow. You can to, sometimes it seems impossible, or you don't even know what it is, thats perfectly okay. I am living proof that you can make it happen, if you want to. I am more then willing and honored to help anyone else who would like to as well. Nothing is impossible you can create anything and everything you want! You decide when you want it, put it out into the universe that you really want it and you will surprised how awesome the universe works. What we label on others, we see somewhere in ourselves, when we put out bad vibrations we receive bad vibrations, you are the source of your own being, so be source! next time you point the finger walk to the mirror and then point the finger. Take responsibility for your feelings, and your thoughts.  People will only do what you allow them to do, keep in mind this is a reflection, if your allowing them to hurt you or walk all over you... you are doing it to yourself. Go to the mirror and look at the reflection, mind your edges, take a good look and then take a deep breath .. do you like what you see? do you love what you see? if not what do you think you should do to change it? if you don't know, but you'd like to know leave a comment or message me, you don't have to live like that. I am creating this awesome reflection, that I love so much, and i've never felt better and whole.
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

Be Primary with your Life, No Limitations, No Secondaries, Just you!

I would first like to apologize for not being very current, I had just finished my Masters Course through Avatar, and needed time to prepare and time for the course itself! It was an amazing course, and I was able to really peel off some tough exterior that ran deep into my heart. I am so very proud to say that I am now a Master, yet still a student in learning more and more about myself. With all this being said lets jump right back into it. I would like to acknowledge all of you that take time to read my blog, and I appreciate you for being a loving individual. One of the biggest lesson's I learned while being at Masters is that I don't have to try so hard to give because I am a naturally genuine giver, and instead of questioning how other receive my generosity is not my concern. I give because it makes me feel good, but it didn't always use to be that way. I use to give because I felt guilty by not giving I felt guilty because I was once told that I had abandoned my family, so the want and need to be there for everyone was extremely high. I always felt like I could never do enough, never give enough, I was to much in my head. I myself was afraid to feel, I thought if I could figure it out and it would just go away, but the truth is no matter how you handle it if you don't handle your feelings nothing really gets fixed. A wise woman once told me in a relationship whether its friend, family or spouse, take 100% responsibility for how you feel and the relationship and 0 expectations for the other person. If and when the other person takes 1% responsibility you would feel good and happy, 5% you would feel amazing! 15% you would feel loved! Now imagine that person turns around and says I take 100% responsibility for my feelings and the relationship and no expectations of you, now you have 200% responsibility and still 0 expectations. Expectations, Limitations, Secondaries are all happening however they don't need to, they set you back in what you want and your ambition to make it happen. My Secondaries are always about money, love and just being enough. The truth of the matter is I am more then enough, I am learning how to love myself and if I want  it bad enough I will manifest the money because I create it all. Technically I can do anything I want to, I can create whatever I want, and I can decide to do something about it or nothing about it. Stay Primary in what you want, be specific and put it out into the world, the universe is very kinda and giving as well, and it will give you want you need. Just remember to stay primary, keep you as your main concern love you, take care of you. Do not set limitations for yourself this is called self sabotage!!! BAD!! BAD!!! VERY VERY BAD!!!! you can do anything you want, you can create anything you want and you can decide to actually do something about it!! DO NOT SETTLE, go beyond your own limitations and really push for what you want! why settle or even be unhappy when those don't even need to be an option.
lets reset this wacked out belief system and really put some good self work in!
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world!" Harry Palmer

Take some time to Celebrate being and loving you!

Sometimes in life we forget about the most important person, OURSELF! When we get overworked, overwhelmed or just had a rough day; we forget to give back to ourselves. When we take things personal, it can cause a breakdown into a personal area that has nothing to do with the matter at hand. When we have a bad day, or we take on more then we can handle, again leading to an emotional/mental personal breakdown. We often forget that no matter what has happened we made it through, and we owe ourself that much to love on ourself for not giving up, and pushing through. Being selfish is often frowned upon when I believe its perfectly healthy if you do it in a humble self-loving manner. When we are selfish for all the right reasons, it means you are completely self aware and love who you are including all your flaws. And when we do love ourselves, it shows and people around you can tell. It also allows you to let others in, and love you just as much. We often fear what we don't know, and most the time its with other people, however I bet there's a lot you don't know about yourself. Sometimes we do things that we don't really like but we do them to fit in, or feel admired, even though deep down all it makes you feel is meeeehh. Anytime your in doubt, angry, sad, or feeling lost take some time to celebrate you, love you, focus on what makes you smile just by thinking about it. Love yourself, and watch how different your view of life will change. Celebrate you and all you've done, all you want to do, and all you have to offer, because you are more then worth it, and definitely deserve it! You will become confident, not cocky, but confident in every aspect of your life. You will find the will, the inner power, and higher energy to do anything and everything you could ever want. Because you simply decided to love yourself. And just remember at the end of the day, the only person your going to have is you, so love you. If you are sitting here reading this saying, but I don't like this, or that, then its okay I have the ultimate solution.. ready... decide to change it, put action in your feelings and do something about it. You would never believe how awesome you feel once you start to see results, and you will see them almost immediately! Poke your head in the bathroom take a look in the mirror and say I love you because.... and you'll probably feel silly but it doesn't matter. Instead of pointing out what you don't like make a list of things you do like. Take a walk and think of all your accomplishments, big or small doesn't matter just acknowledge and admire yourself for it. It will be like putting on a completely different set of lenses, and seeing crystal clear, way more then you ever thought possible. Self-love is important it will allow you to find your happy place, you'll feel like your on top of the world, with the most amazing view!

"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

This post is dedicated to a very special person in my life whom has always supported everything that i've ever wanted to do. She is the most amazing beautiful strong women I have ever known. She has and continues to teach me how amazing life is, and to do whatever your heart desires no matter how crazy it might seem to someone else, follow your dreams into reality. Work hard and exhaust all your options, and don't let "No" be one of them. But to also keep in mind that we don't live to work, we work to live, and we should enjoy life and all it has to offer. The biggest part is to love yourself, allow yourself to be great especially in your own eyes!
Love You!

Fully believing anything is possible!

When we were kids, we thought the most outrageous crazy imaginations and believed anything even when we couldn't see it. I haven't bogged for almost a week, and I do apologize but I needed to break down and re-ground myself. I found that I was holding back from the bigger picture, I was letting myself settle. I was okay with the minimum and no matter what that just wasn't okay. My whole life I have sat around and did whatever I needed to just to get by, and was completely content with it because I knew that way I wouldn't be shut down if my best wasn't good enough. But the truth is my best has taught me more then just being the best. It taught me that its not about actually getting what I want, it's about giving it my all and completely going for it. To know that I exhausted all my options and gave it everything I possibly could, because everything happens for a reason and when you give all that you possibly can to better yourself, the rewards are greater then you would ever expect. Whether or not what I want to happens, happens I know that I have done all I possibly can and that speaks more about who I am then what or where I am. You need to fully believe anything is possible, truly believe it not just say it. Your wildest dreams couldn't be better then what you would experience. Love yourself, allow yourself to be great, celebrate all your accomplishments, even the minute ones! Believe more then just the possible, and watch what happens. We limit ourselves with numbers, and distance, and so many different ridiculous obstacles, but in reality we are the only obstacle. Anything is Possible, we just have to believe that. We can choose and decide to create any place we want to, including non obstacles. Without knowing, we choose what we believe, so why is it so hard to believe that anything is possible?? What would you attempt to do if you know failing wasn't an option?
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world." Harry Palmer

Communication is Key

Some people don't realize home important communication is, well for those of you who don't let me break it down for you. Communication is one of the bodies most vital signs, think about it people use all day everyday. We forget how important it is because we do it all the time. Sometimes we forget the most important parts about communication: ITS NOT WHAT YOU SAY BUT HOW YOU SAY IT. Most of American doesn't understand this concept. I didn't either for a while, I was very defensive and thought that if people knew I was serious then the message would be clear. Instead I wasn't someone anyone wanted to deal with, I was someone people walked on eggshells around. When you deliver a message whether it's a good or bad message you should be completely 100% clear on what it is that your trying to get across. You can say one thing, but without a clear delivery it will get transmitted as something else. A lot of times, without even knowing your doing so, I am completely guilty of this, we give off a certain attitude. It is very easy to take on someone else energy, and without realizing yet again pass that on. Now you have completely missed the message, and you picked up someone else's bad day, and before you know it your giving it to someone else. It is an endless cycle for the rest of the day, you take something personal when it has nothing to do with you. Perfect example is when you go out to eat, or the DMV and you deal with not such a pleasant person. You feel their attitude right away, and can't understand what their problem is. Immediately you take it personal, instead of thinking" wow, this persons having a really bad day I hope okay" and realize that yo everythings ur probably not the first one they've treated like this today nor will you be the last. Yes, it's true one person can change another ones day all it takes is a smile, and some kindness! Have you ever heard the expression kill them with kindness, even though it may not work with bullies all the time, when you feel like someone is being rude or mean, kill them with kindness you have nothing to loose. Another example is when your trying to explain to someone how you feel, whether is a relative, friend, significant other, I am the type of person I wear my emotions on my face. I do it and have no idea I'm doing it so it's very hard for me to fool someone how I feel. But !!! It's not always a bad thing, because its a part of feeling your emotion, it's a body reaction, just like laughing!  More people appreciate the truth, whether it sucks or not is not the importance. But most people are also afraid of the truth and how others will take it, when in all reality when you say it with sincerity, their initial reaction might not be so great, but in the long run they will appreciate the truth. Again its all in your delivery!!!! When you shift your own delivery you will be shocked to see the how your reaction shifts as well. Which goes with the saying "why burn bridges when you can keep building?" Just because the situation might suck don't kill the messenger. Take a look at the bigger picture and find the lesson within. And again it's easy to get distracted from the bigger picture when its all blurry. Say what you mean and mean what you say, just make sure your delivery is not counter-acting what you are trying to get across. So just remember be aware of how you say it !
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

Why are we afraid of emotion?

I recently blogged about an experience I had an expressed a few different types of emotion, one of them being fear. I was fearful of depression, because of my past experiences, my belief is that depression is not just an emotion it was a state of mind, it was a dark black hole that I sat in for month at a time. So I need to be completely clear in saying I am no longer fearful of my emotions, I am fearful that I will be stuck in them. Which some of you might think well you will get over it eventually, just depends on the experience at hand. Of course, most of you would be somewhat right, on the other hand my belief has been re-wired recently so after this type-o was brought to my attention I had a good giggle. I choose my beliefs, I decide what to think about them, when I allowed myself to get over worked I also allowed my mind to take over my belief system, my emotions, and my actions. I gave in for a period of time, what felt comforting was not necessarily healthy, but I chose to believe that what was healthy was not necessarily comforting. I choose to let it simmer into a boil instead of cook it and be done with it (deal with it). I forgot how far I had come, I forgot to recognize my strides I had worked so hard for. I took the focus off myself, and put my energy into a completely unknown world, which took my mind away from my goals. Sometimes we need to explore other realms of life so we know where we need to go and where we want to go next. After I let myself go, I  had to work twice as hard to get myself back, but it just propelled me forward. I chose to create a lesson, instead of a loss. I chose to be afraid of what I didn't know, and I let it affect everything I did. Being afraid of emotion does absolutely nothing for you, it does not help clarify, it won't let you moved past, and it will not under any circumstances benefit you by running away. Have you ever heard the saying, "If you don't learn from your past it will repeat itself", for the longest time I had interpreted that as, don't do it, or anything like that. In 7th Grade my Social Studies Teacher use to say this all the time, especially when someone did something they weren't suppose to do. When at times, it worked for 7th graders, but thats not necessarily the real meaning. By saying don't let your past repeat itself, means that with all , good or bad, comes with a lesson; and if we don't get it, the lesson will repeat itself until we do. It doesn't mean that we will or will not go through the same experience, all it means is that if we don't learn the first time it will re-appear until we do. It took me awhile to learn the bigger picture, the biggest lesson. I never knew how to put myself first, I always went above and beyond to put others first, to make others happy, even if it wasn't healthy for me (emotionally, mentally, physically, financially) I stayed and never left because I was use to being left. I never gave up on anyone, but always gave up on myself. I have always been afraid of my real emotions, and instead of dealing with it I covered it up with  a defensive anger protection shield. Point is, you can't be afraid to feel, we need to let ourselves feel what is going on when it's going on so we can deal with it and we are able to move on. Don't be afraid of emotion, it can only get worse in time without being dealt with. Feel your emotion, don't over-think it, or over-talk the situation, just clarify what it is and deal with it first hand.
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

Do your pros out weigh your cons?

For the past few days I had been dealing with a certain issue,  and was so lost in creation I had no idea where to begin! I had beaten myself up over the idea that I did something wrong, but had no idea what I did. Was it something I said? Was it something I did? If so how could I have done or said it differently? I was starting to take everything personal, and started to break down. Without noticing I had taken the focus off myself and put it on someone I had no answers too. So I had to ask myself, Did I find clarity in myself beat up? NOPE! Did I make myself feel better at all about the process? definitely not in fact just the opposite! Did I find the answer to my question? Did I even come close to the answer? NOT AT ALL!!! Did I gain anything from the beat up process? NOTHING but a headache and hours wasted! I resisted anything and everything I knew would help because it was more important to try and understand what happened, I still don't know what happened. But somethings we are not suppose to figure out, sometimes the lesson is bigger then what we think. You see I always knew that I loved loving someone, I am awesome at taking care of others, but the flip side of learning on how to take care of myself was this huge unsolved mystery. I had solely put the focus on myself for the past few weeks, I cut out everything that was bad for me including food, drugs, and even certain people. When I took the focus off myself, it wasn't short before I went back to bad food, drugs and bad people! And it took a few days of resisting to go wait I'm quickly falling back into the old depressing lifestyle but why? Why am I sacrificing my happiness for someone that clearly healthy? I have fought for so long to hold on to my happiness, so why was it so easy to give up? How was it so easy to give in? Because I wanted to be loved, that is something I'm still having a hard time on. It is hard for me to continue to love myself, without someone urging they do too. I still miss the feeling of being loved, an adored, but then again doesn't everyone? I let go way to easily, but I did learn a few things out of all this. I learned that it is possible, I learned more about what I want in a relationship, and I learned that even though I would like to be in a relationship with someone I shouldn't settle for just anyone, and that maybe I should get myself back to where I need to be before I can even entertain the idea of a relationship. I need to learn more about how to fully love myself before I can ask or want anyone else to. I let go of my happiness hoping that someone else would be able to do just that, NO ONE ELSE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS OTHER THEN YOURSELF! After weighing the pros and the cons, I didn't find any pros at all... NOT ONE, the beauty of all this is, since I was able to realize the truth I just chose to decide to re-create my happiness and make sure that I am primary at all times. Because I am worth it and I deserve it.
"Every moment I am happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

having not so great times ...

This weekend, I let go, and completely broke down. This whole transformation is a process, and you need to breakdown every now and again. I felt like I was trying to so hard to be perfect, when I knew deep down I was fighting so much more then just that. I was able to let go and get a hold on myself again. This time I'm not grasping for complete change, thats already happened I'm grasping for the strength to love myself more and more enough to keep a hold of my happiness. Now I know that when I do feel poopy and lost, I know that I need to not take it on all by myself. The biggest and hardest part is pointing out that, "o wait that bothers me", admitting is ten times harder then finding the solution. As soon as you can label what it is that bothers you then it's that much easier. I use to think that the solution would be the hard, but then again I never labeled it just how it was. When you label something just how it is, your looking at it for what lys in front of you nothing more nothing less. You don't look at it as " what could, should or would of been", you don't pay attention to the after thoughts, you realize that it just simply is. What whatever makes it, is that easy to break your emotional hold. I take things personal when it has nothing to do with me, I over think things to the extent that no one ever would, I prepare for the worst all the time. Yet, I still walk around with a smile on my face and I pretend as though I have never been happier, some days its true, I am happier then I have ever been however, some days I feel lost in creation. The thought that I could still loose myself and get lost in depression scares me more then anything I've ever been scare of. You finally get use to smiling because its a reaction, instead of smiling because others want you to. But just because I'm happy doesn't mean I'm not going to have a bad day every once and again! Bad days come and go, and you have the power to change them at any point. I need to be strict with myself, and I need to hold on to the feeling of winning! I'm still learning about my own bad days, I'm still over thinking things, I'm still allowing myself to get over worked-up, and chances are I am going to continue to have a few bad days, but I need to label it just it is... just a bad day and move on, not let it break me down or let me fall off my own self made trail. Because I'm worth it and I deserve it.
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

When you feel like giving up, push that much harder

I have started a new lifestyle for myself, and at first it was hell, but then it felt great. I was eating the same meals everyday because I knew that they were healthy and they fit my diet. However, not changing it up made it really hard to keep pushing myself. I found myself missing sweets, and junk food, I missed it so much I would temp myself to be around it, and once I was I got a high off saying "No thank you". Well I should of known that test was all going to come to an end one of these days. One of these days I wouldn't be as self-motivated as days prior. When the day came, I was weak and let my mind control almost everything from my thoughts right down to my actions. I broke, and the worst part of breaking is I didn't feel bad, I felt stupid. I felt as though I had taunted myself for so long that what do you expect it's only natural to give in... right? WRONG!!!! so very very very wrong, I start to see results about a week ago, I started to feel amazing and I just let go to amount of strength I was holding onto. I will get a little down from time to time but then my mind goes, " well you knew this is how you were going to feel and you did it anyway, you knew how awesome it felt to say no, and how much a self-difference this transition has made", so why get mad, why get disappointed, I know that even when I think I'm pushing instead of going "hey, relax your trying!" I need to turn it up to "Don't give up now push through keep pushing way past what you feel is humanly possible". We often justify things in our head because we think that notion of justification will comfort us in our decision whether it's good or bad. When deep down we already know, if you second guess it normally move onto another option. Why choose the window, when you can take the door? Happiness is self-made, look at it as you wish but when it comes down to it, it's up to us. We rely on our friends/family to cheer us up, or a significant other to really make us happy, when in all reality why can't you make yourself happy? Why is it a disbelief you can be happy by yourself? Sure it's nice to have company, and someone to laugh with that I won't deny, but you can't be happy with someone else until your really happy with yourself. Push yourself to work through all the BS and find what makes you happy?? I'm not talking about cake or nice big plate of pasta. I'm talking about what do you like to do that makes you smile, without even notice that your doing it. When I work out and really push myself this amazing power comes over my face because I know I'm bettering myself and changing what makes me feel not so great. When I get lazy, I feel worse now, being lazy makes me depressed, funny how ironic life can be. So when you think that your about to give up, or give in, think about what really really makes you smile from inside out, and push yourself that much harder.
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer