Normally I only write one blog a day, but today has been a roller coaster. I have come a very, very long way from where I was. When I look in the mirror I see a completely different person, I feel like a completely different person, and I have actually started to love what I see. Today changed a little bit of that for me, and has stung a little bit. I got slapped with a reality that I wasn't really expecting. Regression, and at first I was so angry, and hurt because I know the leaps and bounds I have over come and conquered. So what was it that shoved me so far backwards, it felt like it all happened in a blink of an eye. Except when I took a deeper look into the situation I had come to the realization that it was a serious of events, that I pushed aside and hadn't dealt with. Despite my better judgement and everything I had learned, there has been a whole trunk full of pain and anger that I hadn't dealt with. Again, not dealing with feelings only creates them to grow stronger, it may seem like a quick fix, but it can get complicated this way. My biggest obstacle has been the relationship with my father, it has been a ten year battle, one I seem to keep loosing. My father and I growing up were close, and it wasn't until the divorce that took our relationship for a really dangerous ride. I moved out when I was 16, and moved to NJ when I was 17 fresh out of high school. At the time, I was telling people I just wanted to do the college thing, but all I really wanted to do was start a new family and create my own home. I was young, and broken and would do anything to go away and stay away. I got engaged to someone after six months, and I changed everything I was to become someone else's idea of perfect. I made a serious of bad decisions, and because I refused to learn the lesson I made the same one a few times. I am 23 years old, and moved back in with my father, and even though I am in a whole new place in my life, there are still a lot of mixed emotions I have yet to deal with. I went through this amazing program that helped me see all the pain I was causing by holding on to my feelings and not feeling and dealing with them. I was stuck in my own feelings, in my own hateful creation. Even though I am a completely different person, it is the really really really deep pain that doesn't seem to be touched on. It wasn't until today that I even really paid attention to it. But this is the only topic that can shut on and off my feelings, I go from miss sunshine to the incredible hulk. I realized that I am still holding back so much, because if I could pack up and leave I would, but there had to be a reason why I can't. Why is that I have no where to go? Why is it that I allow myself to loose all self alignment whenever this gets mentioned? The universe is keeping me here until I am able to work through it. Until I decide to change it, and to make the first move, nothing will ever change. I took a long hard look at the past few years and wanted to know why I had tried so many different angles and nothing has ever worked, why was it that as hard as I tried I always ended up back in this house? Because a few years back I asked the universe to help me, I wanted to move past my past with my dad and want to move forward. I refused to see the bigger picture, I refused all the lessons and tools I had learned that has prepared me for this. When you think you can't handle it, it's only because deep down you really don't want to. There is still a big piece of me that wishes I could go back in a time machine and do things differently, I still have yet to take personal responsibility for decisions I made even at an adolescent age. And because I want to travel back in time, I bring myself back to an age where I shouldn't be accountable for my actions, I'm waiting for a safety net to appear and white light to outline my future. I know that the only person I am truly hurting is myself, I have so much Love, Peace and Compassion to share with the world, but I need to put it into action. I need to stop holding onto the past, what's done is done. Instead of trying to re-live the past and change the future, I can forgive and learn from my past and create my future. I am the only one putting limitations on my life, even when I listen to others try and justify what is right and wrong I find myself judging myself, and putting more limitations on my life.I have been through more at my age then most people double my age, and instead of sitting here saying "poor me", I could use it as an advantage! If I want things to change, I must first change myself. I need to realize that if this is the biggest obstacle then I need to redirect my energy into working through it, because nothing will be able to all fit into place if there is still an elephant taking up most the space in the room. Regression is NOT failure, it is just a check point, and instead of getting caught up in a web of emotions, I need to take a step back and appreciate everything I have been able to let go of, everything I have been able to change, and everything I have been able to create because I wanted to. I realized I need to do more work on me, more work loving me, before I can really spread this amazing gift. How is it that I can talk and help heal friends, and even random strangers, but I can't heal within my own family? Because I am choosing to resist my own feelings, because in one way or another I justify helping someone else rather then helping myself. How can I ask anyone to travel back down the past, and yet I keep avoiding my own. I am my own Master, I am my own creator, so I just need to take a deep breath and realize that if anyone is capable of doing this I AM! If this is my test, bring it on! This is the big stuff, this is everything I have tried for a decade to ward off, and all it does is cause more pain, I have tried running I have tried hiding and clearly what's meant to be will be. So instead of fighting against myself, I am going to start fighting for myself. Because in life you don't get what you want, you get what you fight for. I need to stop making excuses and start making moves, because I deserve to be and live happily. I am young, and I am very powerful, and even though I have not done what society likes to call "the normal young adult life", I don't need to. Everything that I have been through has lead me to the road I am on, and I get to choose where I go. Enough is enough, I'm tired of letting obstacles big or small weigh out what I want, neither do you. I am living proof that self love will turn your life around in a way that seems unimaginable. So think of something so outrageous that is seems to be impossible, now keep in mind nothing is impossible if you can imagine it. Choose. Decide. Create.
Anyone seeking help, who needs help, who wants help I am always available, and as you can see these tools work. You don't have to live in pain and anger and why would you want to when happiness is an option? Does happiness seem impossible, now you know you can imagine it, now you know it exist.
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world." Harry Palmer
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