For the past few days I had been dealing with a certain issue, and was so lost in creation I had no idea where to begin! I had beaten myself up over the idea that I did something wrong, but had no idea what I did. Was it something I said? Was it something I did? If so how could I have done or said it differently? I was starting to take everything personal, and started to break down. Without noticing I had taken the focus off myself and put it on someone I had no answers too. So I had to ask myself, Did I find clarity in myself beat up? NOPE! Did I make myself feel better at all about the process? definitely not in fact just the opposite! Did I find the answer to my question? Did I even come close to the answer? NOT AT ALL!!! Did I gain anything from the beat up process? NOTHING but a headache and hours wasted! I resisted anything and everything I knew would help because it was more important to try and understand what happened, I still don't know what happened. But somethings we are not suppose to figure out, sometimes the lesson is bigger then what we think. You see I always knew that I loved loving someone, I am awesome at taking care of others, but the flip side of learning on how to take care of myself was this huge unsolved mystery. I had solely put the focus on myself for the past few weeks, I cut out everything that was bad for me including food, drugs, and even certain people. When I took the focus off myself, it wasn't short before I went back to bad food, drugs and bad people! And it took a few days of resisting to go wait I'm quickly falling back into the old depressing lifestyle but why? Why am I sacrificing my happiness for someone that clearly healthy? I have fought for so long to hold on to my happiness, so why was it so easy to give up? How was it so easy to give in? Because I wanted to be loved, that is something I'm still having a hard time on. It is hard for me to continue to love myself, without someone urging they do too. I still miss the feeling of being loved, an adored, but then again doesn't everyone? I let go way to easily, but I did learn a few things out of all this. I learned that it is possible, I learned more about what I want in a relationship, and I learned that even though I would like to be in a relationship with someone I shouldn't settle for just anyone, and that maybe I should get myself back to where I need to be before I can even entertain the idea of a relationship. I need to learn more about how to fully love myself before I can ask or want anyone else to. I let go of my happiness hoping that someone else would be able to do just that, NO ONE ELSE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS OTHER THEN YOURSELF! After weighing the pros and the cons, I didn't find any pros at all... NOT ONE, the beauty of all this is, since I was able to realize the truth I just chose to decide to re-create my happiness and make sure that I am primary at all times. Because I am worth it and I deserve it.
"Every moment I am happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer
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