This weekend, I let go, and completely broke down. This whole transformation is a process, and you need to breakdown every now and again. I felt like I was trying to so hard to be perfect, when I knew deep down I was fighting so much more then just that. I was able to let go and get a hold on myself again. This time I'm not grasping for complete change, thats already happened I'm grasping for the strength to love myself more and more enough to keep a hold of my happiness. Now I know that when I do feel poopy and lost, I know that I need to not take it on all by myself. The biggest and hardest part is pointing out that, "o wait that bothers me", admitting is ten times harder then finding the solution. As soon as you can label what it is that bothers you then it's that much easier. I use to think that the solution would be the hard, but then again I never labeled it just how it was. When you label something just how it is, your looking at it for what lys in front of you nothing more nothing less. You don't look at it as " what could, should or would of been", you don't pay attention to the after thoughts, you realize that it just simply is. What whatever makes it, is that easy to break your emotional hold. I take things personal when it has nothing to do with me, I over think things to the extent that no one ever would, I prepare for the worst all the time. Yet, I still walk around with a smile on my face and I pretend as though I have never been happier, some days its true, I am happier then I have ever been however, some days I feel lost in creation. The thought that I could still loose myself and get lost in depression scares me more then anything I've ever been scare of. You finally get use to smiling because its a reaction, instead of smiling because others want you to. But just because I'm happy doesn't mean I'm not going to have a bad day every once and again! Bad days come and go, and you have the power to change them at any point. I need to be strict with myself, and I need to hold on to the feeling of winning! I'm still learning about my own bad days, I'm still over thinking things, I'm still allowing myself to get over worked-up, and chances are I am going to continue to have a few bad days, but I need to label it just it is... just a bad day and move on, not let it break me down or let me fall off my own self made trail. Because I'm worth it and I deserve it.
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer
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