Today is a celebration

October 10, 2011 would have twenty-four years this world was blessed with one the most beautiful people I have ever met. His name was Billy, about ten months ago we lost him to a brain aneurism. And just like that, I lost one of my closest friends I could have ever asked for. This young man taught and gave me so much, he was such a joy to be around, no matter what mood you were in you couldn't help but smile while you were around him. I can remember countless times RUNNING from him, because I knew he wasn't going to allow me to stay upset. He was one of few people in my life who always stayed positive, who always pushed me for more, he was one who always wanted more for me in every aspect in my life. He was a light no matter where he was, he was an attraction all by himself. October 9, 2010 changed my life, I lost someone so close that it hurts every time I smile thinking of the good times. I was so angry and so hurt, and I had no where to put it, I didn't know how to deal with it at all. He meant everything to me, there was so much that didn't get said, and I fear that he would never know exactly how I felt. He was just gone, and there was nothing I could do, it took months for me to realize exactly what he gave me, and how important it was to take and cherish this gift. Billy taught me that, you can shine so brightly with just one smile, stress is 100% unnecessary and hurtful not just to yourself but those around you, that you should aim for the moon so at least you if you would, you would land among stars. Billy was such an inspiration, he enjoyed life because he could, he took full advantage of his gifts and applied himself because he wanted more for himself. He loved others just as much if not more then he loved himself. He was always willing to take the shirt of his back for someone, and would do so with such a smile, you couldn't help wonder what got you so upset in the first place. I took me a while to realize all the amazing lessons he has given me, it took awhile because I was hurt, and I had to figure it out on my own. I never understood how he had so much faith in me, what did he see that I couldn't ? Love, if Billy was known for anything it was his love. Whether it be for food, sports, friends, family, Billy was known for his amazing gift of love. If there was anything I could do to help carry on his gift I needed to understand how important, strong and crazy love really is. I wanted the world to know, I wanted Billy to know that I understand Love. It starts with yourself, and others feel the connection, and shift! Those who call this weird, only means that it scares them, because who are we to judge what is normal from bizarre? I mean what makes someone weird? Is it the lack of understand why they do what they do? So because you don't understand it makes that person weird? Doesn't it make you weird for judging someone you don't even know. We are scared of what we don't know so instead of exploring that feeling we put a label on it to justify our feeling. Billy loved who he was, and owned it every single day, he wouldn't allow anyone to break him down, because of their own insecurities. I miss him very much, and will continue to for the rest of my life. I will also learned to live with Billy, just because we loose someone doesn't mean their gone, it took me a while to understand that. But instead of looking at the bad, I get to celebrate this beautiful part of my life when I was blessed to have been a part of his life. No matter what the situation you can always choose how you're going to look at it, to make it positive or not. Everything holds meaning, and everything happens for a reason, it just might take you longer to figure it out, in that case don't get frustrated just take your time. You can always reach out whenever you need, and I am always here.
"every moment you are happy if a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer
R.I.P
Billy Hasan
I love you today as I have from the start, and I'll love you forever with all of my heart!! Taking you with me everywhere I go

Regression does not mean failure, just a check point

Normally I only write one blog a day, but today has been a roller coaster. I have come a very, very long way from where I was. When I look in the mirror I see a completely different person, I feel like a completely different person, and I have actually started to love what I see. Today changed a little bit of that for me, and has stung a little bit. I got slapped with a reality that I wasn't really expecting. Regression, and at first I was so angry, and hurt because I know the leaps and bounds I have over come and conquered. So what was it that shoved me so far backwards, it felt like it all happened in a blink of an eye. Except when I took a deeper look into the situation I had come to the realization that it was a serious of events, that I pushed aside and hadn't dealt with. Despite my better judgement and everything I had learned, there has been a whole trunk full of pain and anger that I hadn't dealt with. Again, not dealing with feelings only creates them to grow stronger, it may seem like a quick fix, but it can get complicated this way. My biggest obstacle has been the relationship with my father, it has been a ten year battle, one I seem to keep loosing. My father and I growing up were close, and it wasn't until the divorce that took our relationship for a really dangerous ride. I moved out when I was 16, and moved to NJ when I was 17 fresh out of high school. At the time, I was telling people I just wanted to do the college thing, but all I really wanted to do was start a new family and create my own home. I was young, and broken and would do anything to go away and stay away. I got engaged to someone after six months, and I changed everything I was to become someone else's idea of perfect. I made a serious of bad decisions, and because I refused to learn the lesson I made the same one a few times. I am 23 years old, and moved back in with my father, and even though I am in a whole new place in my life, there are still a lot of mixed emotions I have yet to deal with. I went through this amazing program that helped me see all the pain I was causing by holding on to my feelings and not feeling and dealing with them. I was stuck in my own feelings, in my own hateful creation. Even though I am a completely different person, it is the really really really deep pain that doesn't seem to be touched on. It wasn't until today that I even really paid attention to it. But this is the only topic that can shut on and off my feelings, I go from miss sunshine to the incredible hulk. I realized that I am still holding back so much, because if I could pack up and leave I would, but there had to be a reason why I can't. Why is that I have no where to go? Why is it that I allow myself to loose all self alignment whenever this gets mentioned? The universe is keeping me here until I am able to work through it. Until I decide to change it, and to make the first move, nothing will ever change. I took a long hard look at the past few years and wanted to know why I had tried so many different angles and nothing has ever worked, why was it that as hard as I tried I always ended up back in this house? Because a few years back I asked the universe to help me, I wanted to move past my past with my dad and want to move forward. I refused to see the bigger picture, I refused all the lessons and tools I had learned that has prepared me for this. When you think you can't handle it, it's only because deep down you really don't want to. There is still a big piece of me that wishes I could go back in a time machine and do things differently, I still have yet to take personal responsibility for decisions I made even at an adolescent age. And because I want to travel back in time, I bring myself back to an age where I shouldn't be accountable for my actions, I'm waiting for a safety net to appear and white light to outline my future. I know that the only person I am truly hurting is myself, I have so much Love, Peace and Compassion to share with the world, but I need to put it into action. I need to stop holding onto the past, what's done is done. Instead of trying to re-live the past and change the future, I can forgive and learn from my past and create my future. I am the only one putting limitations on my life, even when I listen to others try and justify what is right and wrong I find myself judging myself, and putting more limitations on my life.I have been through more at my age then most people double my age, and instead of sitting here saying "poor me", I could use it as an advantage! If I want things to change, I must first change myself. I need to realize that if this is the biggest obstacle then I need to redirect my energy into working through it, because nothing will be able to all fit into place if there is still an elephant taking up most the space in the room. Regression is NOT failure, it is just a check point, and instead of getting caught up in a web of emotions, I need to take a step back and appreciate everything I have been able to let go of, everything I have been able to change, and everything I have been able to create because I wanted to. I realized I need to do more work on me, more work loving me, before I can really spread this amazing gift. How is it that I can talk and help heal friends, and even random strangers, but I can't heal within my own family? Because I am choosing to resist my own feelings, because in one way or another I justify helping someone else rather then helping myself. How can I ask anyone to travel back down the past, and yet I keep avoiding my own. I am my own Master, I am my own creator, so I just need to take a deep breath and realize that if anyone is capable of doing this I AM! If this is my test, bring it on! This is the big stuff, this is everything I have tried for a decade to ward off, and all it does is cause more pain, I have tried running I have tried hiding and clearly what's meant to be will be. So instead of fighting against myself, I am going to start fighting for myself. Because in life you don't get what you want, you get what you fight for. I need to stop making excuses and start making moves, because I deserve to be and live happily. I am young, and I am very powerful, and even though I have not done what society likes to call "the normal young adult life", I don't need to. Everything that I have been through has lead me to the road I am on, and I get to choose where I go. Enough is enough, I'm tired of letting obstacles big or small weigh out what I want, neither do you. I am living proof that self love will turn your life around in a way that seems unimaginable. So think of something so outrageous that is seems to be impossible, now keep in mind nothing is impossible if you can imagine it. Choose. Decide. Create.
Anyone seeking help, who needs help, who wants help I am always available, and as you can see these tools work. You don't have to live in pain and anger and why would you want to when happiness is an option? Does happiness seem impossible, now you know you can imagine it, now you know it exist.

"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world." Harry Palmer

You don't get what you want you get what you fight for.

A wise man once said, " You don't get what you want you get what you fight for!". Once you find that one thing that you can't live without, you'll fight until your last breath. You will give all of yourself and dedicate your energy into this one being. I use to think there was nothing worth fighting for, because most of everything either left or got taken from me, that was just set up in my head. And because I had that belief thats exactly what happened, time and time again. I wanted a purpose and I wanted to matter, I tried just about everything, I gave just about all of me. When I had my last breath, I finally started to realize what I was fighting for, and gave everything I had. It's never easy but its always worth the fight, you are always worth the fight, and when you think you aren't you won't be. I tried for years to find something I was awesome at, I tried to find someone that I was awesome with, its only when I found myself, I found those two things. I finally know how I want to spend the rest of my life, and I finally met someone I could do that with. I was so scared of someone or something taking my happiness away that I gave it away. It's not what you do it's how you do it that matters.  Today I fought for something I wanted, I took personal responsibility, I acknowledged and appreciated someone else for my discouragements, I let my limitations outline my realizations and trusted myself. My feelings are my responsibility no matter what causes them or where they come from, I control how I feel, not my mind. No matter what I do, I choose to work as much as I can to create everything I want. I choose not to let my limitations control my feelings or outline my goals. I am going to continue to fight for everything I want, and everything I deserve, and I'm choosing not to let anyone take away my happiness not even myself. Find what your passion is, fight for it, live for it! Don't ever give up on it, but most importantly don't ever give up on yourself. If you start to feel down at any time, give me a call, email me, help is always willing and offered to those who want it.
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world." Harry Palmer

Your voice is the only one you need to pay attention too!

Believing in yourself, sometimes feels like its easier said then done. When you get to a point that it becomes easier said then done, pick up the phone and call someone who inspires you, or email me. Or you can check out any of the websites, I've posted to the right. Most adults believe that's seeing is believing, and most children believe that believing is seeing, out of those two categories which people do you think are happier? CHILDREN .. right? Children don't let anything kill their beliefs, they let the imaginations run wild, one day they want to be a firefighter, the next day its an astronaut. The best part are limitations never come into the imagination, as we grow up other adults indoctrinate us with limitations and call them reality. What adults tend to forget is reality is what you want it to be. The meaning of reality is something that is real; fact. When it comes to your life, you are the creator you are in control, you create your own reality! Do you get it? Don't let anyone tell you what your reality should or shouldn't be? Did anyone tell Bill Gates or Donald Trump that it was impossible for them to become multi-billionaires? Maybe, and did anyone tell Michael Phelps that it was impossible for him to win not just one but eight gold medals in the olympics? Possibly, but did any of them let that change their belief of what they wanted and who they wanted to be? NO!!! So why should you? People can tell you, you can't all the time.. But it shouldn't matter what anyone else says, thinks, or believes. Remember it's what you want, its what you think, it's what you believe, and what you know that you are way more then capable of creating.

Motivated Frog
There once were two frogs, hopping down the riverside, without noticing they hopped right into a hole. Then came along three more frogs who noticed the two yelling for help. The two frogs started jump, and leaping trying so hard to get out. The frogs up above started yelling, "Give up!", "Your never going to make it out!". The two frogs kept jumping and jumping, they getting very tired, but they kept jumping. The frogs from above continued to shout, "Just roll over and croak!!", " Your never going to make it out!", "Just give up!!". So when of the frogs took in a deep breath rolled over and croaked, while the other frog just kept jumping and jumping  and after a few hours, he finally makes it out of the hole. As soon as he reaches the surface he collapse and try to catch his breath. The other frogs in astonishment ask, "Why did you keep jumping when we told you to give up?", the frog replies, "I'm sorry, I'm deaf!, I'm not sure what you are saying but I saw you try and yell great words of motivation and I didn't want to let you down! So thank you for being there!!".

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt.

Ask yourself:
How bad do I want it?
Why am I settling for anything short of Extraordinary?
Why am I putting limitations on my life?
What are my limitations?
Why do I believe more in my limitations then I do in my own self?
Why am I not living deliberately?
What makes me HAPPY?

These are just some of the basic questions that you must ask yourself, really make yourself think. You will be more surprised as to what you will find. I advised a friend of mine to write these down on paper and answer them, being able to physically see what's going on in your head will shift something all in itself.
I am always here to listen, talk, and help in anyway I can. Reaching out is the first step, it also might seem like the hardest but I like to compare it to an awesome work out plan. The first ten minutes always suck, but the harder you push yourself the more you sweat, the results are more then worth the pain, and you feel a billion times better then you did in those first ten minutes.

" Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

Where is your faith?

Everyone has a different definition of the word Faith, so I took the liberty and looked the word up and found 4 great simple meanings for this heavy word.

The 4 meanings of Faith:

1. confidence or trust in a person or thing
2. belief that is not based on proof
3. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit,etc.
4. a system of religious belief

Can any of you find the common word in 3 out of these 4 meanings? BELIEF

SO my next question.. do you set up a belief because of something you have experienced? OR do you experience something because you already have a belief about it? Some of you are staring around the room saying "hmm, thats very interesting.. " and it's really making you think how you start to experience certain situations and how you set up your beliefs. Others are going the second one, no the first one, okay maybe a little bit of both.. I DON'T KNOW!! That's 100% okay because thinking is good for your soul, when you start to become aware of what your beliefs are based on you start to realize where you keep your faith. But here's the realization your looking for, can you say your faith is solely in you? Do you 100% know that you are capable of anything and everything you want, you decisions, your beliefs?? If you said yes to all of this, that awesome!! I really admire all that you are, however if you didn't I would like to acknowledge and appreciate you for being self aware. Now your next question, would you like to do something about it? GREEEEEEAAAAAAT :) and guess what you came to the right place!! You are now indulged with someone who has been down down down in her own dark hole, and have visited others, and is now committed to helping others out.  Today I'm in the mood to relate it to a short story, so sit back, relax, and I hope you enjoy!

1.) The Helpful Experienced Stranger

There once was a girl who walking down a road, she was feeling so down and fed up with everything in her life that the universe provided her with a deep, dark, black, hole. When the girl came across the dark hole. She felt comforted because no one would be able to bother her, it was so deep and dark she wouldn't be able to see the things that make her unhappy or hear her own negative thoughts or those around her. So she hopped in, and at first it peaceful, and so much better then everything else, but it soon got very dark and cold, and lonely. A priest was walking by and shined a light down, and she yelled "please help me!" and he replied, "I will pray for you!" and started to walk away. Then a doctor was walking by, and shined a light down, and she yelled "Please help me, I'm stuck and I'm hurt" the doctor asked her a few questions and replied " I will write you a prescription and toss it down, take it twice a day and I will check back with you  in 6 months for a refill!". Then a stranger came across the hole, looked down and yelled " is anyone down there?" The Girl yelled back "Yes! Me!! I'm stuck down here!! Please help me out!!!". So the stranger jumped in the hole, and the girl looked at the stranger and said "Why did you jump down? Now we're both stuck". The stranger turned to the young girl and said, " I was stuck down here just last week, let me show you how I got out". 

Lesson: No one can help you unless you want help. But there's always someone who has been there, and there is always someone who is wanting and willing to help.

Personally I became really comfortable in my hole, for years, actually is more like a decade to be correct. I decorated it, and made it really suitable. It took me awhile to realize that it was a hole, no matter what way I decorated it, or changed anything around .. it was still a hole. I decided one day that I didn't want to be in the hole anymore, that I wanted out and I was willing to do anything and everything to get out! I put my decorations down, and told my pride to back off! That was the same day I asked for help. What I didn't realize is that I had faith in myself all along, I just misplaced it. So you see, there is always someone wanting and more then willing to help, you just need to want it yourself; to have faith in yourself, love yourself. And, I'm not talking about an easy way out, because you can't just get over it, you can't go around it, you can't skip in between the only way, is through it. But you don't ever have to do it alone! You Choose, You Decide, and even more beautifully, You Create! Have faith in yourself, you are way more powerful then you give yourself credit for. Other may loose faith in you, but why is that more important then the faith you have in yourself. Others will come and go, some will leave footprints, some will leave pretty tattoos and be with you forever, but you... you will always be with you so have faith in you. Back you up, Love you, and reach out! You'd be surprised how many hands get offered back, you already have one with me :) Today's lesson is Faith! Have faith in you, and allow yourself to be great!

"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

Personal Responsibility

Personal responsibility has never been my strongest asset, yet I am creating it to be. What does taking personal responsibility mean? I don't mean taking the blame for who spilt the milk, or who broke the TV. I mean your personal feelings, I mean your actions, your words, everything that you decide to do, you should be doing for you and no one else. If you have this desire to spoil someone, it is not okay to rub it in their face or hold it against them, you chose to do it for them, and should do it because you want to, not to get something out of it in return whether it be a reaction or a return feeling. Ever since I can remember, through every relationship, I have always felt that I needed to give all of me all the time. I needed to do whatever I could to help, to give what I don't have, and to put everyone else first. For those of you who do the same, yet haven't seen the pattern yet, let my point it out. I use to think that I was just living the "treat others how you would like to be treated" way, but that wasn't true either, because when I found someone who did, it made me feel bad. So, what do I do? Where do I go from here? AAhh hhAAA!! I have the answer, you can go wherever YOU want to go. When we take personal responsibility for all our feelings, actions, and words, we start to realize that everything we put out we receive. So anytime we go in thinking we aren't going to get what we want, or its going to be negative anyway.. IT WILL BE. The world is a reflection of me, when I take responsibility for not pushing myself to my full potential, I realize that I am the only holding myself back. When I take responsibility for how I feel, and no matter what my boyfriend says or does, I am still in control of my feelings. One of the most important, when I take personal responsibility for my personal happiness, no one can ever take that away from me no matter what. When you give up your power, when you look for others to make you happy, or show you love, when you depend on other for your feelings it never exceeds your expectations. NEVER you will NEVER be as HAPPY or in LOVE because you aren't happy or in love with yourself!!! Men and women who cheat, or play games with others or with their work or just in life in general, are fighting their own insecurities, and it's never who they really are and most the time it's not even who they really want to be. But the key for people like myself, is to know and understand it's not my job to fix them, we can only help them if they want help. And even still we need to keep in mind that what is going on in someone else's life is not to be taken personal. If and when we do create a feeling based on taken something personal, we need to be able to notice it, realize this is not I this is my creation. Once you realize this is not what really is, this is just a feeling based on a creation because you took something personal that has nothing to do with you, thats personal responsibility.
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer

Speaking from the heart!

Have you ever noticed, when you try and set up all the right things to say it all comes out wrong, or discombobulated? But when you speak from your heart, whether your really sure about it or not it always comes out right? Granted sometimes speaking from the heart makes us nervous or scared, which takes us back to learning to love ourself and owning who we are. It took me a long time to learn how to be vulnerable, I'm still learning thats its okay. But thats the truth, its okay to be vulnerable, we live in a society that tells us "You have to be strong!" or " Only the strong survive!" but the message isn't so clear for all. Yes! When your strong you can survive, but what does strong really mean? If you look up the word Strong, there are 21 definitions for it. All having the general meaning of being able to up hold a powerful measurement. But whose to say your strong doesn't involve anyone else? My strong involves my family, my friends, my boyfriend, and of course myself. I know that I am a strong individual mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically. However, we tend to forget that if it wasn't for our weakest moments we wouldn't be as strong as we are! I allow myself to be strong individually and because I can trust, love, and be vulnerable with my family, friends, and boyfriend we can be twice the strength when together. Before I created my inner strength, I always thought I had to be strong, "tough guy strong", but I could never speak from my heart, or become vulnerable. In the few times I had attempted to, I felt rejected and stupid. But I set up that belief, I assumed way before hand that it wasn't going to go over well, and it pretty much never did. Until I shifted myself, a good friend told me "it's okay to be vulnerable, let it out, this is a non judgment room!". And to my surprise I started to cry, but  for the first time in my life I became vulnerable and spoke from the heart, I allowed my insecurities to drop dead, and it was the best feeling in the world. Ever since then, I learned that the best way to speak to someone if from the heart, I use to speak at people, now I speak to people, a concept I once thought was crazy! But I am quickly learning that the only craziness is how long it took me to figure all this out. Some of you keep in mind that when I say, " Speak from the heart" I am meaning to speak from your heart, not your webs of chaos going on in your head. Trust me I thought that's when I thought I was speaking from the heart, but thats when I was speaking at people. When you speak with your head full of crap, YOU ARE IN YOUR HEAD, and not in your heart. When your trying to justify what is coming out of your mouth, YOU ARE IN YOUR HEAD, and not in your heart. When your not sure if what your saying is going to get the reaction you want, YOU ARE IN YOUR HEAD, and not in your heart. When you speak from your heart, your not looking for a reaction and whatever reaction you do get, won't effect you negatively. It's almost like you said your peace, your saying it because you want someone else to know how you feel, instead of trying to defend how you feel. Be honest with yourself, it is not easy to do, I still find myself going no its okay, when I know I am in my head because there is no way that its okay. At that time, when you feel a head heart battle going on, step aside and just breathe, exaggerate all your thoughts you'll be surprised at what you come in contact with. Once you have a clear mind set, what you feel with just flow out your mouth. It's really quite awesome, and people respect and appreciate the vulnerable, the naked truth. You feel fresh, and the best part is you don't feel as though you have to put a guard up between everything you say. You feel strong, because its you, and because you are loving and owning you. If any of you have any questions, comments or concerns, please leave them, add them, or email me with them, I am always here to help.
"Every moment you are happy is a gift to the rest of the world" Harry Palmer